If the Wife Departs

There is an unusual passage of scripture that is seldom addressed when dealing with the subject of marriage, divorce, and remarriage from a biblical perspective.

Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. 11 But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife. (1 Corinthians 7:10)

This passage seems to contradict the rest of the passage and it seems to set up a double standard for who can leave a marriage.

Husbands are not allowed to divorce their wives, but wives can leave their husbands as long as they remain unmarried.

In the ancient culture, when husbands ended a marriage, they divorced (or cast out) their wives, and when wives ended a marriage they departed from (left) their husbands. What is being described here is not the same as in verses 12-16 of the same chapter. In that case, it is the unbelieving partner that initiates the divorce. Believers are required to be faithful to their unbelieving spouses and remain married to them, however, they are not required to try to force the unbeliever to remain in the marriage if he or she demands to leave.

In this case, it is the wife who chooses to depart from her husband. We also assume, in the context, that it is a believing wife since the entire passage addresses believers.

So why the double standard?

Any pastor, who has led a congregation for a significant number of years knows of at least one reason why this exception might exist.

It could be—though not directly stated—that this is a provision that gives women (and their children) a path to safety from abusive and dangerous home environments. God does not require that women remain in danger in order to be submissive to their husbands. Wives also have a responsibility to protect their children.

This does not mean that women are never abusers but recognizes the fact that most abusers are men, and that men held all the legal advantages in the ancient world.

Physical and sexual, and abuse can be life-threatening and do life-long damage. Verbal abuse can do this as well. It is easy to minimize the impact of verbal abuse because accusations of verbal abuse are easy to fabricate or exaggerate. We learned when we were children the little rhyme,

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

It is not true. Long ago, the cuts, bruises, and broken bones of childhood have healed and have been forgotten, but hurtful words spoken in hate or anger to us years ago can still cause us pain today.

There are problems with applying this passage to domestic abuse–especially verbal abuse. At what point do unloving comments become abusive castigations—there is a sliding scale here where every level is possible between the two.

How do you keep a woman from falsely claiming or exaggerating abuse because she just doesn’t like her husband anymore and wants out?

The biblical solution allows the woman to leave, but not to remarry. In the Ancient Near East, this meant returning to her family or living a life of poverty, depending upon the charity of others. She is not allowed just to dump one husband in favor of another—to trade up when the option becomes available.

Many US states actually have created a status that addresses this specific situation. It is called legal separation. Financial provisions are defined by the court, but the marriage still exists. Neither party is free to legally remarry. Many biblical counselors would recommend legal separation instead of divorce as a consistent application of this passage.

Abuse is a church discipline offense, and a wife (or someone else in the church on her behalf) should bring this to congregational leaders. 1 Corinthians 5:11, just two chapters earlier specifically states that a “railer” should be delivered unto Satan. A railer is an abuser. The word clearly applies to verbal abuse as well as the resulting physical abuse. A congregation that does not discipline an unrepentant abuser when they know about him is in dereliction of its duty.

He is allowed to repent and be restored to fellowship in the body, and she is allowed to be reconciled to her husband. Restoration to his family is the preferential choice should he repent and demonstrate that repentance over time. God is a miracle-working God and he does restore even the worst of marriages.

However, they should not be restored to what the family was before, but what it should be in Christ.