Why Isn’t My Husband Perfect? (Or at Least Better than Average?)

Many years ago there lived a woman who, you could truly say, had it all. She lived in the most beautiful home in her area. Her husband was the most handsome man in the world, and his job allowed him to spend a great deal of time with her. His income allowed her to have whatever she wanted—the best foods, every comfort imaginable, the most beautiful decorations for her home, and whatever her heart desired. He literally denied her nothing, and she loved him completely. Because she loved him so much she was never too tired or too busy to help him or to meet his needs. Their life together was ideal. That is . . . until one day when a neighbor struck up a conversation with her and casually pointed out that, perhaps she didn’t really “have it all.” It took only a moment for her to fall, but that moment changed her life completely. Not only did it change her life, but it changed every life that came after her. Eve lived in Paradise, but even Paradise didn’t satisfy her.

Early in my Christian life I often had the attitude, “Thanks a lot, Eve. You really messed things up for the rest of us. Now we have to fix things.” My husband and I would attend marriage seminars (because all the other young married couples did), and we’d listen to sermons about husband-wife relationships. As a dutiful young wife, I carefully took notes. I’m ashamed to say that the only things I generally took away from those seminars and sermon series were a sore elbow (from jabbing my husband) and a long list of things that my husband needed to work on to improve his husbanding abilities. I was trying to be submissive, so I knew not to overtly try to change him. Instead, I made it a matter of prayer for God to change him into the husband I thought he should be. I was careful to tell God exactly how my husband needed to change and how God needed to bring about those changes.

To help me pray more effectively and work more diligently at changing my husband, I decided to do a personal Bible study on the Virtuous Woman of Proverbs 31. Surely this godly woman of history could offer me some advice to help my husband, and perhaps even show me some areas in my life where I needed to make some small improvements. I wanted to be thorough, so I studied verse by verse, and even word by word.

My, what a hardworking, industrious woman she was! I learned that she got up early and stayed up late to provide for the needs of her family. She used her money wisely to stretch the food budget and even to provide extras for her family. She made all of her own clothes and all the clothes for her family, and she even sold some of the things that she had made to add to the family income. She kept a garden and sold some of the produce to benefit her family. She even was able to provide for those less fortunate than she. How thoughtful of God to give us women this detailed passage to teach us how to be the kind of wife and mother He wants us to be. I began to wonder where the companion passage was that told husbands all the things they should do for their wives.

I searched diligently for quite a while, but, as you already know, there is no “Proverbs 32 for the Perfect Husband,” so I finally gave up looking. In fact, I threw away all those “improve my husband” notes I had taken at the marriage seminars and the prayer lists of things I wanted God to change in my husband. As I got to the second part of verse 30 in Proverbs 31, I realized that my focus had been wrong all along. “A woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.”

The woman of Proverbs 31 did not focus on the things she wanted to change in her husband. We can be sure that her life was not easy, but there’s not even a hint of discontentment or complaining because of all the hard work she had to do. Was she perfect? No. Was her husband perfect? Probably not. The passage says, though, that she did her husband good and not evil. She didn’t focus on what he wasn’t—she focused on what he was—and praised God for him. Neither did she focus on her needs. The only mention of anything that she did specifically for herself is found in verse 22 where we find that she made tapestry for herself, probably to decorate her home for her family’s enjoyment as well as for her own. Her home and children are mentioned, but these were not her focus either. Her focus was on the Lord. She knew God—personally. He was real to her, and the most important thing to her was to please Him. Everything that she did, she did to bring honor and glory to God. She feared the Lord.

Yes, God could and would change my husband, but first He needed to change me. I had to acknowledge the fact that, if my husband were as perfect as I wanted him to be, he would never have married someone like me! Furthermore, I had to realize that my purpose in life, the thing I needed to focus on, was not to change my husband. My purpose in life was, and still is, to allow God to change me through His Word so that I will be the servant and wife that God would have me to be. I needed to learn to fear the Lord and to focus on Him.

My husband and I have been married almost thirty years now. [almost forty as of this republication – ed.] I can honestly say that he is not the same man I married all those years ago. Praise the Lord! As I look back, I can see that God has indeed changed my husband, but God changed him His way to please Himself and to bring glory to Himself. I’m thankful that God did not change my husband to conform him to my selfish desires and to please me. God’s way is always best—sometimes painful if we don’t yield—but it is always best.

I think I’ve changed too in the past thirty years. Praise the Lord! Oh, I’m still learning what it means to “fear the Lord,” and I hope I never stop learning. My husband isn’t perfect (but neither am I—far from it actually!), but he’s the perfect one for me because God chose him specifically for me. I’m thankful that God didn’t let me mess him up with all my selfish prayers and note-taking. God is gracious. God is patient. God knows best. His ways are perfect.

Lyn Sehested and her husband, Dan, serve the Lord with Baptist World Mission in Romania.

(Originally published in FrontLine • January/February 2009. Click here to subscribe to the magazine.)