The Rare Jewel of Contentment in Childlessness

Many newly married couples look forward to establishing a home and starting a family, which includes children. Oftentimes, they would discuss how many children they would like, as well as possible names, physical features, and personal goals for their future children. Young ladies would even start planning their nursery, children’s outfits, and practical needs. Joy and anticipation exist with the excitement of having children and raising a godly heritage. Such were the aspirations, dreams, and longings that Bethany and I shared together. This is an innate and good desire from God to “be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth” (Genesis 1:28). In fact, a life without children was not part of our discussions or plans.

Facing Questions

Soon after we were married, well-meaning individuals asked us when we were planning on having children. The questions compounded more as each year went by. As the season of our childlessness prolonged, the questions became more difficult and awkward to answer. It became clear to us that having children is a work of God and not something that we could do on our own (Psalm 127:3). As we learned more about His sovereignty, we fervently and intentionally asked God to give us children.

Demonstrating Faith

Christ instructs us to “ask, and it shall be given you” (Matthew 7:7a). Also, He promises us that in “all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive” (Matthew 21:22). These truths, along with the examples of a life of faith from godly believers such as George Mueller, encouraged us to believe that God will indeed give us a child if we simply pray and believe. We decided to demonstrate our faith by turning a guest bedroom into a nursery and getting a play set for the backyard. We also considered adoption, but God showed us that this was not His will. When He chose not to give us children, we were confused, sad, and disappointed as to why He did not seemingly keep His promise after putting our faith into action. Questions about the character and goodness of God came to our minds.

Misunderstanding Faith

Eventually, we realized that God did answer our prayers, just not as we had expected. In my experience, we tend to define God answering our prayers by saying “yes” to our desires while forgetting that God also answers with “no.” This was His answer to David’s desire to build the temple (2 Samuel 7:5). He also answers with “my grace is sufficient” as He did with Paul’s plea to remove a particular suffering from his life (2 Corinthians 12:9). It seems to take more faith to trust God to answer prayer according to His will rather than according to our will. Disastrous results happen when we try to force our plans like Abraham and Sarah or like Rachel did in their desire to have children (Genesis 16:2-5; 30:1-2). Faith is not believing that God will answer our prayers in our way. Still, rather it is “the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” (Hebrews 11:1). Faith is a steadfast hope (an earnest expectation) in God and His character, regardless of outcome.

Learning Contentment

“I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content” (Philippians 4:11).

Paul’s testimony of contentment encouraged Bethany and me to ask God for that kind of contentment in our state of childlessness. Jeremiah Burroughs describes Christian contentment as “that sweet, inward, quiet, gracious frame of spirit, which freely submits to and delights in God’s wise and fatherly disposal in every condition.” With this in mind, we desired to surrender and delight in our Father’s perfect way, and to be content with what He has given us and what He has chosen not to give us according to His wise and gracious disposition. Ultimately, we learned that true contentment and fulfillment in life are not found in children, possessions, or circumstances, but rather, in Christ Himself (Hebrews 13:5).

Responding to the Joy of Others

When friends and family members announced that they were expecting a child, I struggled to be happy for them and had an inner sadness. I justified this by thinking that these expectant couples were being insensitive towards my feelings and circumstances. However, I eventually realized that my attitudes were wrong and selfish. The contented child of God rejoices “with them that do rejoice” (Romans 12:15) and esteems others “better than themselves” (Philippians 2:3). God desires for us to submit our afflictions to Him (2 Corinthians 12:9-10) and rejoice with others whom He chooses to bless, even with the blessings that we do not have ourselves but desire to have.

 Accepting God’s Good and Perfect Gift

Every good and perfect gift comes from God (James 1:17). This includes the gifts of children and childlessness and every season that He ordains in our lives, even the ones that we may deem undesirable (Ecclesiastes 3:1-13). God delineates the purpose of His good gifts, which is to change us into the image of Jesus Christ (Romans 8:28-29). Further, with each perfect gift, God gives opportunities and blessings that we would not have enjoyed otherwise.

For example, although Paul did not have children, he identified Timothy and Titus as true sons whom he dearly loved as his children (1 Corinthians 4:17; Titus 1:4). Since both likely had unsaved fathers and were led to the Lord in salvation by others (Galatians 2:3; 2 Timothy 1:5), I believe that Paul is describing a deeper relationship beyond being merely a spiritual mentor to Timothy and Titus. One can only imagine the many young people whom Paul positively impacted and influenced as a father and grandfather for good and God’s glory because of his gift of childlessness (Romans 16:3-15).

What God Ordains is Always Good

Throughout our fifteen years of childlessness, God continues to display His faithfulness, love, and goodness to Bethany and me. Further, He has given us opportunities and blessings beyond our expectations, including placing young people in our lives to love, influence, and disciple for God’s glory (Ephesians 3:20-21). While it has not always been an easy journey, we have come to accept this season of life as His good and perfect will for us. As Samuel Rodigast so eloquently penned, may we believe and live the truth that whatever God ordains is always and only good!

What God ordains is always good;
He is my Friend and Father.

He suffers naught to do me harm
tho’ many storms may gather.

Now I may know both joy and woe;
some day I shall see clearly
that He has loved me dearly.

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Erik Hanson holds a DMin. in Preaching and Leadership and serves as Assistant Pastor at Stanfordville Baptist Church in Hallstead, PA.

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Photo by Ryan Stefan on Unsplash