Your Fig Leaves Are Showing! Why your Christian home is not as close as it should be.

One of the most insightful chapters in Roy Hession’s classic, Calvary Road,¹ is titled “Revival in the Home.” In it, Hession identifies two primary forces that erode family unity: a lack of openness and a misunderstanding of biblical love.

At first glance, I questioned the emphasis on openness.

“Really? That’s the first problem?” I thought.

But as I reflected more deeply, I realized how right he was. The issue isn’t just about being open—it’s about why we so often resist transparency in our closest relationships. And that resistance, at its root, is the shame that results from sin.

The First Fig Leaves

In the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve were naked and unashamed. But once sin entered the picture, shame followed immediately. Their instinctive response was to cover themselves—to hide. They sewed fig leaves together.  Certainly, to hide themselves from God, but also from each other. Sin introduced a new awareness: they had changed.  Their nakedness now exposed their moral failure. And so, they covered up.

That ancient impulse hasn’t changed. Sin still causes shame. Shame still creates barriers. And we still reach for fig leaves.

Modern Fig Leaves

Today, our fig leaves are more sophisticated. We create distance in time and space—separate rooms, separate screens, separate lives. Phones absorb our attention even when we’re physically present. Hobbies, careers, and packed schedules leave little room for meaningful connection. These are not incidental hindrances, we purposefully hide behind these things. In dual-income households, both parents often run at breakneck speed, leaving little time or energy for emotional transparency. Children keep secrets with friends, hide in their rooms, bury themselves in social media/games, and nurture a secret world apart from the people who represent the moral authority of God in their lives.

We’ve become experts at hiding in plain sight.

Why Husbands Hide

A husband’s deepest desire is to be admired by his wife. Women often misunderstand this.  They think their husbands are looking for physical beauty. When a woman admires and respects her husband, that husband will run through walls for her.

But sin threatens that hope. To be transparent about his struggles would mean exposing weakness, vulnerability, and regret. And that feels like stepping off the white horse his wife wants him to ride.

Many wives say they want emotional intimacy, but when their husbands open up, the reality can be jarring. Vulnerability can look like a loss of strength. Women lose respect and pul away while men retreat. They armor up. They become distant, authoritarian, or fake. They hide behind performance or silence, hoping to preserve the some illusion of strength.

But that distance only deepens a wife’s insecurity. She wonders, “Why is he pulling away? Is it me? Is there someone else?” Her imagination fills in the blanks, often with fear. The more she pushes for answers, the more he retreats behind his fig leaves.

If he lies to cover up his shame, that only deepens her insecurity.  After all, how can she depend upon a man that she cannot trust?

Why Wives Hide

When men sin, they tend to isolate. When women sin, they often seek affirmation—even in the wrong places. A woman struggling in her marriage may find more comfort in the company of divorced coworkers than in the counsel of happily married church friends. She’s not necessarily looking for truth—she’s looking for validation.

Satan is skilled at sending the right voice at the opportune moment—someone to say, “It’s not your fault.” Men do this too, but usually in solitude. Women often do it in community.

Deflection and self-righteousness are fig leaves too. They shift blame, avoid responsibility, and erode trust. And those closest to us can always tell when we’re doing it.

Why Children Hide

Children have fig leaves.  The shame of their sin makes them ashamed to tell their parents.  Every youth pastor has heard some teen say, “Don’t tell my parents, they would kill me.”  They even say this about the most lenient parents.  They do not fear the discipline, they fear shame.  They fear that dreaded look of disappointment in their parents’ eyes.

This shame response starts in children about the same time that they begin to become self-award spiritually.

The Path to Intimacy

So what’s the solution?

Family intimacy begins with brutal honest evaluation of self. We must recognize the fig leaves we’ve sewn. Be honest.  Why is it that you bury your face in that phone all the time,

Confess sin, not just to God, but to one another when it is appropriate.  This does not mean you must share every deep dark secret that has ever crossed your mind.  You do not need to confess every thought to others, but you can confess every thought to God. There are times when confession of certain sins might make you feel better but be very hurtful for the spouse.

And there are times when even though the confession is hurtful, the spouse has a right to know. These are usually times when they already know or will likely know at some point.

On the spouse’s part, transparency requires receiving openness with humility and grace, not judgment. Vulnerability should be met with respect, not disdain. Confessing, humbling, being willing to admit struggles and sin is the path to spiritual strength, not weakness.

The solution to the shame problem is not to abandon the fig leaves and run around naked as if the sin had never occurred.  That is denial.  Shame must be transformed to humility.  Our sin should forever humble us. What we must do instead is receive God’s covering for our sin, not our own. God didn’t leave Adam and Eve in their fig leaves. He made them garments of skins—a covering that required the life of an innocent victim. We must  be humble and receive the sacrificial gift of forgiveness and allow God to do His transforming work in our lives. As shame turns to humility, we no longer need to hide.

It often takes a person some time to get to the point of brokenness.  That time does not have to destroy openness completely. Intimacy can respect boundaries while the Spirit works. Everyone needs a private space to meet with God. Instead of putting up a false front, try saying, “I am struggling with some things in my own heart–between me and God right now.” When a spouse or child says this to you, the loving response is to give them the room to wrestle through this, while continuing to show love and respect. Acknowledging this doesn’t hinder closeness—it strengthens it.

And finally, we must keep short accounts with one another. When you have sinned against family, go to them.  Go immediately.  Do not wait.  Do not hope they forget about it.  It does not matter whether it’s your husband, wife, child, or parent.  Go confess and humbly seek forgiveness. Don’t let sin fester. Don’t let shame grow. And when your family member comes seeking forgiveness, grant it joyfully and willingly, without lecture or conditions.

Are your fig leaves showing?

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Audio version of this post is here: Your Fig Leaves Are Showing! Why your Christian home is not as close as it should be.

1. Calvary Road, paperback version [↩]