How Are You Doing? Dealing with Loss
People keep asking me, “How are you doing?”
Majesty Music’s sweet Susan Perry, head of customer service, texted me this morning: “How are you doing?” What to say? I finally came up with, “Ok. Better than not ok. Not as good as wonderful.”
How do you respond after losing a close loved one? You fully realize God is carrying you. Your mind is in a fog after a drastic life change. Your heart and gut are still grieving.
After you lose a child … what do you say after losing a child? No matter if they are unborn, 3 months old, 3 years old, or 30 years old, I have never experienced anything like it. And hope to never again. Losing Jonathan at 34 years old was the worst grief of Ron’s and my life. Sure, it was sudden, it was unexpected, it was tragic, and he took his life by his own hand. We and he had dealt with a 15-year-long mental illness, which was horrible enough as it was. Unless you’ve been there, you can’t even imagine the emotional, physical, and mental trauma. You can read about it, but that still doesn’t hold a candle to living it.
After you lose a parent … what do you say after losing a parent? If you are a toddler and lose a parent, fortunately you don’t fully realize your loss, although you must somehow feel it’s devastation. If you are of elementary age, you must feel very lost. If you are a teenager and young adult, you fully realize the depth of your loss—your parent will not be at your graduation, birthday parties, wedding, or see your children born. When you are older, and your parent is as well, you are grateful for the years you had with them, but a big hole is left in your heart.
After you lose a spouse … how you feel may depend on how good your relationship was. If it wasn’t so good, you may feel some guilt, but loss is loss. Pain always results. Now you are left to pick up the pieces. If you had a great relationship and you lose a spouse early on in your marriage, the devastation must be immense, especially if young children are involved. If you lose a spouse after a long healthy loving relationship has ensued, you definitely feel like half of you is gone.
After you lose a spouse who has suffered with a long illness … your sorrow journeying through the illness has just multiplied by 1000.
After you lose a spouse who has suffered with dementia … I don’t even know where to start with the emotions you feel.
Pain—but you already have experienced the pain of gradually losing them. Sorrow—but your sorrow has already little by little deepened along the way as you watch your loved one lose all abilities, especially the one to think and communicate. Torture and sting—torture and sting that your children have slowly lost their father or mother, especially a son to his father, or a daughter to her mother. Release—release from having to take care of their every need. Joy—joy that your loved one no longer suffers but is in the arms of Jesus and in the presence of loved ones gone before. Guilt—guilt that you feel any release. Inundation—inundation from all the paperwork, bills to be paid, thank you notes to be written, belongings to have to disperse among relatives or get rid of, belongings or birthday cards to keep, and in my case, sweet notes from all over the world from adults and children alike.
But God. Give it to God. Only God.
My theme verse through Ron’s dementia held true to the end: “The Lord is my strength, and song, and is become my salvation.” Psalm 118:14.
God WAS my strength. God WAS my song. And God BECAME my salvation. Praise be to God.
So, how do I feel? I still don’t know how to answer. All the above is true. Maybe my best answer is, “Because of God, I’m ok. Better than not ok. And still not as good as wonderful.”
Have a blessed day on purpose. (The Barton chair left yesterday. Another piece of Ron gone. But rejoicing another someone who needs it can enjoy.)
Shelley Hamilton needs no introduction to the vast majority of our readers. She graciously granted us permission to use any of her postings on Facebook. She posted this on May 26, 2023. I encourage you to follow her ministry there, you will be blessed. Shelley continues to serve the Lord through Majesty Music, as she and her husband Ron (Patch the Pirate) did for many years. We thank Shelley for allowing us to share the things the Lord is teaching her.