Biblical Submission Does Not Justify Abuse (or even permit it)
If you are a man who regularly (or even not so regularly) preaches submission to your wife, you need to take a long look in the mirror. Her submission is not your responsibility. Loving her like Christ loved the Church is your responsibility, and abusing her in action or word is a gross violation of the direct command that God has given you. Demanding submission as a cover for acting abusively is a loathsome sin and God notices.
Domestic abuse is specifically condemned.
There are several New Testament passages that address the responsibilities of married people to one another. Each of those expressly forbids abusive behavior.
I desire therefore that the men pray everywhere, lifting up holy hands, without wrath and doubting (1 Timothy 2:8)
Before Paul addresses the behavior of women in the church and in marriage he speaks directly to the men. He demands that they be men of prayer—everywhere. That requires a genuine walk with God in public and at home. Men need to lead their families—including their wives—in prayer. This requires genuine and godly leadership. The hands lifted in prayer should be holy—blameless—hands. They should not be touched with sin, unholiness, or reasonable accusations.
They should be hands lifted without anger (without wrath or disputing). A man known to his family as an angry man is a disobedient and ungodly man. He needs to pull the log out of his own eye before examining specks in the eyes of his wife and children.
Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them (Colossians 3:19).
I believe this verse is greatly misunderstood. It is not about husbands harboring bitterness at the mistreatment by or failures of the wife. This is a command for husbands not to treat the wife bitterly or abusively. It is a specific command against abuse in word and deed. Abuse is an evil, it is a sin, and in the hierarchy of sins, it rises high indeed.
Domestic abuse is a church discipline issue.
In fact, domestic abuse—even verbal abuse—is a church discipline offense.
But now I have written to you not to keep company with anyone named a brother, who is sexually immoral, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or an extortioner—not even to eat with such a person (1 Corinthians 5:11).
The word translate reviler in the NKJV or railer is the word that would be used to describe abusive behavior. It is fascinating that it is paired with being a drunkard because those two behaviors are found in tandem with one another. It is a word that is used to describe blasphemy toward God and insult toward others. Paul says such people ought to be forbidden the Lord’s Table and delivered unto Satan for the destruction of the flesh and the redemption of the soul. We do not often think of this sin as a domestic sin, but we should. That is where the sin is most prevalent and wives and children deserve the proper response of their church families to this sin.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her (Ephesians 5:18).
It is impossible to be angry, insulting, abusive, and love at the same time. And the idea that you have love deep in your heart while giving in to your anger on the surface is a lie. Love is an action and if you are not acting it, you are not loving.
God sees the things done in secret and He will defend the defenseless.
God has a special place in His heart for wives of abusive men.
And this is the second thing you do: You cover the altar of the LORD with tears, with weeping and crying; So, He does not regard the offering anymore, nor receive it with goodwill from your hands. Yet you say, “For what reason?” Because the LORD has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously, yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant. But did He not make them one, having a remnant of the Spirit? And why one? He seeks godly offspring.
Therefore, take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth. For the LORD God of Israel says that He hates divorce, for it covers one’s garment with violence, says the LORD of hosts. Therefore, take heed to your spirit, That you do not deal treacherously (Malachi 2:13-16)
There is so much to unpack in these verses. In Malachi’s day, one of the abuses women lived under was the threat of divorce. It became a hammer that allowed all sorts of horrendous acts in the home. Abusive men cover the altar of God with tears (as their wounded wives weep for deliverance before their Lord) and God notices. God will not receive your worship and all vestiges of religion and piety from abusive men are obnoxious to God. God Himself sees, and God Himself stands as a witness to the things that are done and said behind closed doors—the things that no one else sees. No one else might know, but God does and He will soon deal with you.
Abuse is treacherous. It is the violation of a sacred trust. It is high treason in the most sacred earthly relationship established by God. It is not only a sin against your wife, but also sin against your children for generations to come. It produces bitter children who without the intervention of the Holy Spirit will reject the God of their father.
Malachi ends with the same instruction with which I started.
Take heed to your spirit.
Take a good long look in the mirror. Is this you?
If it is, you must act now. Confess as sin to your wife and children. DO NOT TRY TO HIDE IT ANYMORE. If you cover your sin, you will not prosper. You must confess it and forsake it. You need to confess it to spiritual leaders you need to find a way to be held accountable.
It must stop—now.
Image by enriquelopezgarre from Pixabay
Dr. Schaal,
Thank you for addressing a needy subject-the abuse of a wife by a husband who thinks that his position permits him the right to gain submission from his wife by any means.
I would, however, like to offer a refinement to your thoughts so that your instruction to husbands is on target with all that the Bible teaches. In your zeal to deal with abuse it appears you were careless in declaring this as a preventive measure, “Her submission is not your responsibility.” It actually is a husband’s Biblical responsibility to see that his wife is doing right. A problem only arises if he is improper in his methods.
Paul writes to the Roman believers that they are to admonish one another. (Romans 15:14) If that is true of a Christian brother to another Christian brother, then surely it stands true for a Christian husband to his wife. The husband without question is the God-appointed head of his home. (Ephesians 5:23) A wife’s unsubmissive behavior or attitude is a disruption to the Biblical order in the Christian home. It is also certain that God expects a spiritual man to maintain order in his home. (1 Timothy 3:4-5) A wife’s unsubmissive behavior or attitude is also self-destructive. She is being disobedient. She is not in God’s will. She is deprived of God’s blessings and poised to receive His rebuke. God’s command for a husband to love his wife means that he should not just ignore her self-destructive behavior. (Ephesians 5:25) Advocating that he should do so would require a redefining of love to the world’s concept of acceptance. Love = Acceptance is foreign to the Bible. Romans 13:10 defines love for us in saying that it does no ill to his neighbor. In other words love means doing right by others. Knowingly letting someone self-destruct is not doing right by them.
If a husband is truly focused on his wife’s spiritual well-being, he will be a help to her even in the area of her submission to him. Not because he desires the submission, but because he desires her to be blessed. The right motive will keep right actions.
To the Praise of His Glory,
Pastor Gordon D. Phillips
Golden Hills Baptist Church
Thank you for your comment, but I have to push back on this. A husband “helps” his wife in the area of submission by self-sacrificingly loving her. I was not careless. I explained what I meant very specifically and chose my words very carefully. Aside from the discipline of minor children, no person is held responsible for the obedience of another. This is one of our biblical Baptist distinctives (Individual soul liberty and responsibility). Nowhere does the Bible command husbands to force their wives to submit, or punish or discipline their wives. I argued that demanding submission without taking a long look in the mirror is hypocritical and dangerous and that demanding submission is often a cover for abuse. I stand by it.
I was addressing husbands in this post, not wives.
Brother Schaal, I had the same response that Pastor Phillips had to that sentence. Perhaps if we considered a few questions:
1. Is it ever appropriate for a husband to point out to his wife that she is not being submissive, and remind her of the Scriptures?
2. Is it ever appropriate for a husband to withhold funds from his wife which she is wanting to use for unsubmissive purposes?
3. If a wife, in rebellion against her husband, decides she wants to attend an unsound church, should a husband provide transportation for her or refuse to facilitate her rebellious actions?
4. If a wife is reading a “Christian” feminist book that teaches rebellion, does not the husband have a responsibility to show her from the Scriptures where it is wrong?
5. Should a husband whose wife is rebellious seek pastoral counsel? If it is “not his responsibility”, why should he do that?
I am not talking about abusive behaviour here. I am asking if, in fact, there are situations where it really is the husband’s responsibility. He may not be able to change his wife’s heart, or her behaviour, but that does not necessarily mean he does nothing.
The Scriptures tell us that a husband, to be qualified to rule in the church, must rule his own house well. That implies that his wife’s submission is indeed, to a great extent, his responsibility.
Your point that discipline of children is not a parallel to how one treats a wife is well-taken. Your point also that a husband’s response to a lack of submission is to love his wife is very well taken. But one must define love Biblically. It is loving to speak the truth in love, and it is not loving to facilitate wrong. A husband whose wife is not in submission certainly does have a very significant responsibility, as her head (I Corinthians 11), to seek and pursue solutions to that problem.
We must navigate between Scylla and Charybdis here. We must not deviate to the right and crash on the rock of condoning spousal abuse. But neither should we founder on the rock of telling husbands they have no responsibility for their wives’ behaviour. Rather, we should teach them from Scripture where their responsibility lies.